Learning:: Who I Could Be

May 14, 2013 is where I blog my tots.
It has been more than a year since i blog my tots.

During this period, it is a rough journey.
Firstly, I need to get used to Dad's not around.
Dec 8, 2013 - my beloved Rocky pass away.

Although my mum and I was away for a 2 weeks break, it was recovering stage for both of us.
Coming back to reality, a lot more need to handle.

 Dad had been by my mum side when he was around. It was hard for her and hard for me too.
No one around to talk to and share.
It caused quite a lot of arguments between the family due to my poor management of my emotion.

I need to take up the role to manage the house and my mum.
Although sometime I'm angry why dad left us, I m thankful that he had done so much for this family.
He is the one who take care of the house.
Although he is not the one who good at leading or motivates, he is the one who provide me and the family everything. He is the one who supports all the things I do. I don't need to worry about the bills and meals.
Now I have to learn to manage everything. it is tiring and frustrated.
Throwing my frustration at my mum and my bro.

Hope that family, relatives friends are there for me. Everyone has his/her own family. Why should i let my problem bother others? They always say I never say. Come to think about it even I say, it is still my life. I have to learn to manage it, be it finance, emotional, time and etc...
I look through my Whatapps how many time I m the one who ask how are you? Why should i bother to say.
They r always in my heart. Mum always remind me what you have given to others, you cant get a fair share back in return. Thanks that my mum being there to listen and I know God know how much I treasure them. I just need simple encouragement not pouring cold water on what I do.
Hugs does miracles but how many will do that.
I really learn that some are meant to stay and some meant to let go.

Accompanying my mum becomes my priority. She has been the one who do
es so much for this family too.  I feel like locking up and have no freedom. How much time can we spend with our parents? Want to fulfil my dad's wishes to go around the world with my mum. A setback which she is getting weak. Pray that she recovers and will be bringing her around. I'm also looking for opportunity so as to be able to spend time with her asap.

Having peanut pay but a job with multiple job scopes. Thankful that supervisor and manager understanding. It is a lot of frustration and feel unfairness. I constantly remind myself that count every little blessing. Multiple job scopes help me in my future prospect.

Run away from toxic people and mingle with more positive people.
This world is so broken. Why do I have to let myself being poisoned with negative tots.
Having more healthy activities to make living..living...
Learn to invest in myself and build myself so that I can take care of my mum sooner.
Show her that I m able to take care myself and her. Let the Holy spirit lives in me!

For my beloved Daddy

My dad is a friendly man. He loves to chat and share.
Since young, he has shared with us anything from his childhood time with the uncles and aunties, his NS man days as a police, travel experiences, how he gets to know my mum and so on.
But maybe some may not know that he is a creative person. He loves drawing, design, photography and has innovative new ideas. He always has inspiration to be able to work in creative industry in his early days.
He inspires me to go after my dream too.

He is also a responsible dad and a family man.
Some say he is scared of his wife. So he always staying at home.
But my parents are always the model couple in my friends' eyes. They will hold hands where ever they go. He keeps reminding us to hold my mum's hands when we are out with her.
He loves and respects his wife.
He gives the best to this family and spend his time in our growing years, supporting my bro and I in whatever decision we made and being there for us.

An unconditional love he has given to us like our Heavenly Father! Thanks God for this earthly dad who has given  us all his love and sacrifice for this family. He will be greatly missed by us and we love him forever.

There is a rainbow after the rain. This is God's promise. Now he is back home with our Heavenly Father. He has no pain and happily traveling around. He loves to see his relatives, friends to be strong and united together. He will watch over us and we shall reunite with him in Heaven in future.

Lastly on behalf of my dad and family, I want to thank my relatives, all our friends, my parents' church, Church of Singapore( Harvest),  my church City Harvest Church, 365 Cancer Prevention Society and HCA Hospice for being with us through the difficult times and praying for us.
Thanks God for everything HE has blessed my dad and my family.

Love from my cousins to my dad

My uncle was a man who was kind and generous. He loved all of us with such joy and pride that it lit up his face every time we were together.

There was never a time that I could not talk to him or that he would not offer advice. He would always in his own way, reaffirm what I was doing , showing me the care and support that I need.

Some of you may not have known my uncle the way that I did, but for those who did not get to see this side of him missed out on knowing a great man. A man who made sure that his family was taken care of even if it meant he had to sacrifice something important to him. He wanted his family to be happy together and blessed are they indeed.

When my uncle got sick last year, we all knew he was in a lot of pain. He started eating less and not being as active as he once was. When his cancer condition deteriorated, my uncle spent most of his days in bed. You could tell he was in pain, but he tried not to show it.

I would never forget the day before he died. I told the Lord that my uncle would go only when he is satisfied and said, "I'm ready to go. It's time." Considering how much pain he was in, seeing him smile and at peace was a relief. He knew he had lived a blessed life with his family and it was time for his new journey to begin.

Uncle, I will never forget you. You taught me so much about love, about life and about being a good person. I will continue to pattern my life after yours, and in times when I need help or a little advice, I will think back to all the talks we had. You are gone physically from this world, but your memory will live on forever. I just want to thank our Lord for His grace and love for us all, which never fail, even at this time. We take comfort that my uncle is now with our Lord and we are at peace.

I love you daddy!

Writing this post next to his bed..

I always want to thank God for this wonderful earthly daddy HE has given me.
A dad who always support me in whatever I do.
In the past I blame my parents for not being strict and being there for me. I m rebellious due to that. I should be accountable for my own action. I feel sorry. They allow me to make my own choice and let me learn to b my own decision maker.

Over this one whole year, the pain daddy suffer.. It is not only frustration but upset as I can't do much. But keep him in prayer.
Seeing him receive Christ. Trust in The Lord! And worship Him even he can't go to church. The tears he cried out to The Lord.
His faith is so much great than mine.

I actually reassemble daddy a lot in term of characters.
The gift that God had given us.. Creativity.
Dad loves to draw, has a lot witty ideas.
He loves photography.
He always wants to go into the creativity industry ESP advertising. He doesn't have the chance as art or design is not favorable.
So I always not to give up the passion for design, arts and use of creativity. It is not only fulfill my own dreams but his dreams too.

Recently a lot of memories flow back.. Taking bus going everywhere with dad..
We won little gold medal... Dad brought me and bro for sundae ice cream..
Being with mi and my bro when we are young. Giving us a lovely childhood.

Thanks everyone who keep him in prayer.
Daddy hang on! And cling on to The Lord!

Planning for my 单人行

我真的好想一个人出去..
go to a place where there is beach, sea and sun..
only me & God.
a time of reflection for myself.
find the days tat i m independent and confident to do things alone.
no need to rely on anyone.
but with the basic of trusting the Lord.

Looking at a few places to go:

Bali
Taiwan - Kenting & Penghu
Tioman

no shopping.. but to chill & relax and doing some photography.
looking at the world at a different perspective.
haha..
maybe going to the mission field and help those people who are in need.
it is also quite meaning ful..
think that will make me treasure my life more.
step by step....
career, study then maybe then think of this trip when everything goes well.

OR u have any suggestion for me :D

Thanks for the lessons...

I m at the bottom of the valley. work, relationships and personal health at risks.
This is the time u can see who really care for u.
I thank God for being there. As Jesus Christ is the only one who never leave me.
Thanks God for sending the right person in my life who is my mentor. I don't think I have even cried till I feel myself tearing apart. Thanks God tat she is there and presence of peace which God has installed. The heart of bitterness cause me not to let go some of the things in my life.
ESP on relationships, be it family,friends, colleagues and the ones i m in love with..
Sometime small actions or words frm friends do affect me.
I saw Mr E post thanking his friends on his fb status. I am not the one. mayb i m one of them who cause him to feel miserable.
Friends unfriend me on fb and not having much conversation/ rapport with my colleagues.

I took this picture of my memory wall.. Come to think of it. Everything takes two hands to work. I sincerely want to thank them for being in my life once. Due to some reasons, we are no longer contacting or seldom see each other. Some are still around to cheer mi on..
At least they have left their foot prints.i m really thankful.
Every relationship is unique.
I also thanks my ex[Mr S, Mr CK etc ] and PT{Mr E, Mr F etc} for their love.
one lesson after another lesson for me to learn. getting complicated as normal. It is a discipline to let go.
Learn to love myself, my family more and plus to love God even more.
I leave everything unto the Lord and He will look after them and protect them.
Be it happy or unhappy, let me learn to forgive and hand everything unto God's mighty hands with love.
Clearing all the mess of my life.
Choosing to live a healthy life with love of God.

Broken

Dear Lord Jesus Christ,
I'm broken into pieces once again.
the pieces have shattered all over.
I don't know what I can do now.
At the cross road.. looking at my career, looking at my relationships.
I fall back to zero again.
my tears keep flowing.
I can only cry out to You.
Teach me where to find my confident.
Teach me where to find and hear You again.
I know You are here.
I'm sorry for all I have made.
I choose to let go.
God, please help me to take away the pain.
My heart is in pain.Sorrow.